- Nothing Of all the fighting words, I call this one the “gateway”
fighting word. Once “nothing” comes out, it unleashes the other fighting
words. A “nothing” is always in response to “What’s wrong?” And that’s
the problem right there… you don’t know what’s wrong.
Clearly, the fight is already brewing. You know it. They know it.
You’re both just waiting for the sucker to actually ask the question.
And everyone, even you, knows that “nothing” universally means
something. But what “nothing” really means is this: “You know that I
know that you know damn well what’s the matter.” At this point, you’re
trapped. If you don’t know what’s the matter, well, you are an
insensitive idiot. If you do know what’s the matter, chances are you
caused it. Good luck with that.
- Seriously? When used as a question with a desperately irritated
tone, “seriously?” can make even the calmest of partners freak the hell
out. You see, they were being serious. What you are actually saying is
this: “You can’t possibly mean the thing you just said because it was so
stupid and/or thoughtless that only a jackass would say it to me.” But,
that’s a mouthful.
So, instead, a wide-eyed “seriously??” will escalate the argument
quite nicely. Well done. But be prepared for a “chill out” or maybe even
a “whatever.” You totally have it coming.
- Whatever Ah, “whatever.” It’s definitely a crowd favorite. Am I
right? “Whatever” has the ability to cut right through the already
frayed nerves of your partner and quickly unravel years of pent-up
hostility. This is because it’s a totally dickish word used to
marginalize the feelings of your partner, while simultaneously showing
them your complete disregard for reaching a resolution. You’d like to
imagine you are above using a “whatever,” but you’re not. It’s too
effective. And if you think a “whatever” will end the argument, think
again. I’ve never met a person strong enough to walk away from a
“whatever.” If you throw one out or get one thrown at you, be prepared.
Shit is about to get real.
- Nevermind At first glance, you might confuse “nevermind” with
“nothing.” This is a rookie mistake. “Nevermind” is a hybrid of
“nothing” and “whatever,” making it one of the most powerful and
dangerous of the fighting words. Where “nothing” makes you guess what’s
the matter, “nevermind” doesn’t screw around. It boldly says: “Yeah,
something is wrong all right, but I can’t even be bothered to explain it
to you because you are not bright enough to comprehend it, so I am
exiting the conversation.” Oh, it’s good. Little-known fact: “Nevermind”
can be as effective when you are right as when you are wrong. Yup.
Kinda crazy, but sometimes you’re not right.
- Fine “Fine” shares the same dismissive properties as “whatever,” but
it is much more manipulative. It’s actually a mock capitulation. You
are doing what is most crafty and, I won’t lie, most impressive in an
argument. You are letting them have the last say on the topic without
saying you agree. You are effectively saying: “You’re not right, but at
this point I can’t stand the sound of your voice, so we are done here.”
Good stuff. And what it lacks in escalating the argument, it makes up
for in years of simmering resentment. Helpful tip: A “fine” in response
to a “fine” is one of the only known ways to end an unresolvable
argument, and still have time to grab dinner.
- Chill (More specifically, “chill out.”) “Don’t tell me to chill out”
should probably be on my tombstone. It’s my number-one trigger word. To
tell someone who’s upset about anything, and I don’t care what it is,
to “chill out” is to take your life in your hands. Nothing — not
“whatever,” not “nevermind,” not “seriously,” not even “nothing” — can
send your partner into a complete freakout like telling him or her to
chill out. The only two appropriate responses to “chill out” are “Don’t
tell me what to do” and/or “Bite me.” Both responses are well-deserved,
and the partner who uttered the “chill out” should 1) have known this
was where it would end and 2) probably start looking for an apartment.
Good news! The good news is that some couples don’t argue. They are
wrapped in a loving embrace of understanding and constant affection for
each other at all times. To them I say, good for you… and please don’t
write me hateful comments. We all agree you’re better than us. For the
other 99.9 percent of couples who, at the very least, have been
roommates for many, many years and have the occasional healthy
disagreement the way humans do, there is some good news. Understanding
the complexities and nuances of the fighting words means you can shorten
your arguments by simply using those six words.
It saves time and perhaps you can even have a good laugh about how predictably boring your disagreements are getting.
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